5 ways to stop being your own worst enemy

5 ways to stop being your own worst enemy5 ways to stop being your own worst enemyThe phrase your own worst enemy is uttered so often its become a stale clich without any real impact. But the realities behind it - the ways in which we are harder on ourselves than anyone else - have not gone away. In fact, as parents andhusbands, we tend to be evenharder on ourselves than others might be.Follow Ladders on FlipboardFollow Ladders magazines on Flipboard covering Happiness, Productivity, Job Satisfaction, Neuroscience, and moreBeing unreasonably hard on ourselves is very human, says Dr. Oksana Hagerty an educational and developmental psychologist, In the end, self-management is one of the most difficult types of management - with all the challenges of working with others, exacerbated by the lack of objective feedback. As a result, just like in geschftlicher umgang platzdeckchentings, we often resort to managing by exception reflecting on our performance only when there are problems - similarly to proverbial bad bosses, who notice employees only when they get in trouble.So what can we do to stop the cycle of self-punishment for our shortcomings, whether real or imagined? Its about taking measures to break the cycle before it restarts. Heres what to know.Take Care of Your Needs FirstThis kind of thinking might run counter to the instincts of a lot of husbands and fathers, who tend to put the needs of everyone else above their own. However, Scott Allen, a licensed mental health counselor and psychotherapist in South Florida, says its important, using the oft-repeated analogy of putting on your own oxygen mask ahead of others in an air emergency. If you dont put on that oxygen mask first, you wont be available to get breathable air to your child when the plane is going down. The same can be said about physical and mental health. Schedule time for physical activity and fun. Give yourself some well-deserved dad time to recharge.Measure Your PerformanceIn good times a nd bad, its important to take a moment to look at what youve done right and done wrong to remind yourself that, more often than not, the scales tip in a positive direction. That will make it much more difficult to beat yourself up the next time you drop the ball. Tracking and reflecting on all performance will naturally catch some successes, which, among other things, will establish new degrees of freedom for you, says Hagerty. Saying, Yes, I know I did not do well here, but I have done X, Y, and Z, is your way to break the stress-induced tunnel vision that blocks everything but the problem, and to line up the resources necessary to move on with confidence and joy.Accept That Youre ImperfectDue to outdated notions and a good deal of stubbornness, many men tend to want to be everything to everyone, especially to their families. They want to give them the best that they can, and (hopefully) more than they had themselves. However, that journey to perfection is fraught withstress and an xiety. Allen says you have to accept that you are not alone in striving to be all you can be. Never give up a chance to admit your mistakes and misconceptions. Be brave enough to allow your children to experience your vulnerability with intimate conversations about your humanity and humility youll thank yourself for it in the future.Change Your PerspectiveSometimes your thoughts, your inner chastisement, can become so loud and so pervasive that they begin to sound like facts. You tell yourself that youre a failure because you were late to your daughters recital. You criticize yourself for being a bad husband because you forgot to take out the garbage one night. But, more often than not, these thoughts are not reflective of the actual situation. Reflect about how often the mistakes youve made in the past have resulted in the worst-case scenario occurring and whether the issue you are upset about now will matter in one year from now, says Dr. Roxy Zarrabi, Psy.D., a licensed clinical psychologist. When your inner critic is being loud, your perspective becomes narrow and these questions can help ground you in the present moment and provide a different perspective.Forgive YourselfNo matter how hard you try to be Superdad, you are going to fall short. Not living up to the expectations you set for yourself as a father can be a hard pill to swallow, leading to feelings of guilt and inadequacy. Dont beat yourself up over mistakes youve made, focus on what youve done right and forgive yourself for the times where youve fallen short. Negative self-talk, blame, guilt, and shame are snags that most dads deal with on a regular basis, says Allen. Remember, you are worth the time to work on your personal wellness because your children are worth it.This article first appeared on Fatherly.close dialogAdvertisementclose dialog/* effects for .bx-campaign-1012255 *//* custom css .bx-campaign-1012255 */.bx-custom.bx-campaign-1012255.bx-type-agilityzone .bx-close z-index 2-ms-key frames bx-anim-1012255-spin from -ms-transform rotate(0deg) to -ms-transform rotate(360deg) -moz-keyframes bx-anim-1012255-spin from -moz-transform rotate(0deg) to -moz-transform rotate(360deg) -webkit-keyframes bx-anim-1012255-spin from -webkit-transform rotate(0deg) to -webkit-transform rotate(360deg) keyframes bx-anim-1012255-spin from transform rotate(0deg) to transform rotate(360deg) bx-close-inside-1012255 top 0 right 0 /* rendered styles .bx-campaign-1012255 */.bxc.bx-campaign-1012255.bx-active-step-1 .bx-creative *first-child padding 0width auto.bxc.bx-campaign-1012255.bx-active-step-1 .bx-creative background-color transparent.bxc.bx-campaign-1012255.bx-active-step-1 .bx-close stroke whitebackground-color blackborder-style solidborder-color whiteborder-width 1pxbox-shadow 0px 0px 0px 3px black.bxc.bx-campaign-1012255 .bx-group-1012255-3RBnJGC position absolutetop 50%left 50%transform translate(-50%, -50%)z-index -1.bxc.bx-campaign-1012255 .bx-element-1012255-wryzWV5 width 55px.bxc.bx-campaign-1012255 .bx-element-1012255-wryzWV5 *first-child animation-name bx-anim-1012255-spinanimation-duration 800msanimation-iteration-count infiniteanimation-timing-function linear.bxc.bx-campaign-1012255 .bx-group-1012255-me4p1bl padding 10px.bxc.bx-campaign-1012255 .bx-element-1012255-ZdLO37u width auto.bxc.bx-campaign-1012255 .bx-element-1012255-ZdLO37u *first-child padding 2px 4pxfont-size 10pxcolor rgb(255, 255, 255)text-transform uppercasebackground-color rgb(0, 0, 0)background-color rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.34).bxc.bx-campaign-1012255 .bx-group-1012255-lyDBLV9 width 900pxheight 550px